Creative Avoidance

I have the luxury of almost two weeks off--counting weekends-- and I had ambitious goals of how much I was going to write. So far, while I have done a lot of organizing, filing, and writing-related "stuff," I haven't actually sat down and written much. Maybe I'm just out of ideas. Maybe I'm lazy. Or both.....Meanwhile I have this essay collection and the pieces have been edited, tweaked, refined and re-edited countless times. Now I simply have to commit, to make a final decision as to what goes where, and send the manuscript off to two small publishers who may be interested in publishing my book.

Any yet I delay, surf the net, run errands. Maybe my family will not like some of the pieces. (This is almost a given). Maybe the publishers will yawn. So in the short run, it's easier to delay, avoid, fritter away my time. Now that I've "fessed up," I'm heading back to finish organizing the book.

This is me, or was me, about a year ago!

A Jew in Church

On Sunday mornings, I often go to Arlington Street Church in Boston, where I can connect with many of my gay male friends and get a dose of ecumenical spirituality, along with a healthy helping of community and companionship. Though I went to temple, at least 2 or 3 Fridays a month for most of the past 7 years, recently I've grown restless, and my shul doesn't offer the sense of gay community that I have at ASC.

But I've found the past 2 Sundays, with their focus on Christmas, and more specifically on Jesus C, have been difficult. I'm certainly not a traditional Jew--I've lived in a yoga ashram, a Quaker communal house, and have friends from a variety of backgrounds--but I didn't expect a heavy dose of the "miracle" of Jesus' birth from the Unitarians.

Over the past few years, I've been searching again, wondering why Judaism (or my experience of it) is so hard, and wondering if ASC could be my spiritual home. But standing in my pew, mouthing the words to "Little Town of Bethlehem" and "Come all ye faithful" reminded me of my own (shaky) faith, and the fact that I remain a Jew--not only culturally, but spiritually as well. I'm not always sure what that means--to be Jewish in a way that works for me, from the inside out--but I'm searching.

And now I know one thing--I doubt I'll find my answer in church.

Fitting in--or not

This is the time of year when I'm most reminded of who--or what I am not: coupled, straight, Christian, a parent, etc. Especially as this year comes to a close, a year of loss as well as some celebration, a year in which I've been reminded, over and over again, of the passing of time--and who adjusted the speed dial to "high?" Still, I guess the flip side of that notion that life is brief is a tendency to cherish the good days and close friendships I do have, and to know that the more difficult times will pass as well.

And so, even though I'm currently pining for the idea of a boyfriend, (the real thing might not match the images dancing in my brain), and I'm ever so conscious of being single during this holiday season, I'm reminding myself to not rush through it, to make the most of the days leading up to Xmas and Chanukah. I will use my 10 day break to write and read. I will visit friends and, most of all, I'll remind myself to be thankul for my life, my generally good health, and my friends.

Middle Ages/Dark Ages

Up until recently--this year, in fact--I'd been feeling pretty good about my aging process. Though I was technically well into middle age--the clock said I was pushing 50--folks usually assumed I was 7 to 10 years younger, say 40 or 42. Maybe they were just being kind, but I don't think so. And when I took an on-line quiz that measured actual (physiological) age vs. chronological age, I checked in at 44 years, more than five years younger than my real age, and this was after my brush with skin cancer in April.

But there was more to come-and it's still coming. In January, I'm slated to get a small, sleek (but not youthful), over the ear hearing aid, to compensate for the loss of 3/4 of the hearing in my left ear. Back in the spring, I'd woken up one morning and noticed that my hearing seemed muffled, but put off a visit to the doctor, and after my dermatologist discovered a small melanoma on my chest, my hearing problem went to the far back burner. (Yes, everything is relative).

In September, I started getting radiating pain on my lower right side and discovered, after a trip to the emergency room, that I was carrying a kidney stone, (and which I still have 4 months later, despite a lithotripsy procedure). I'm slated for another litho next Tuesday, and am hoping I won't have to have general anesthesia as I did the first time.

As I look back on the past year, one filled with medical procedures and the loss of two close friends/relations, I can't help but wonder what next year will bring. And then I remind myself to try to live in the current moment--or week or month--and just do "the next dumb thing."