Waiting

How much of my life--how much does the average human--spend waiting? For the bus, the T, to grow up, to reach puberty, to get one's driver's license, to graduate high school, college, grad school, get a better job, etc, etc. It seems I've often/almost always been focused on some future goal, while avoiding the present. And yet, the present moment (as corny as this sounds) is where life happens....

This past weekend was STRESSFUL. After a year full of physical challenges, I was informed that a tumor, hopefully benign, had been detected on a CAT scan, which I had done in late December. I spent the last 10 days waiting to find out the prognosis, and finally heard yesterday that the tumor (after last Friday's MRI) does look benign. The next step is going in for a needle biopsy and confirming this diagnosis, and finding out if the growth can stay, or if it should be removed.

Meanwhile, in the midst of this, I'd committed to do a reading for a group of senior citizens in Brookline. About 50 showed up for Sunday morning brunch, and then gathered in the community room to watch/listen to me read and perform my stories. The gay themes in my work didn't bother them; the Jewish themes they clearly enjoyed. Despite my fear and the ever-present knot in my stomach, I was able to enjoy sharing my pieces, being (mostly) in the present moment, and meeting these unflappable "old folks." I even got an invitation to speak at the local senior citizens center. It could be a whole new market for me....

We Deserve Better.....than we got

I wrote a column, which will run in this week's Medford Transcript. Here it is.....


The Lowest Common Denominator


By Judah Leblang/2007
Word count: 700


Just two days before Deval Patrick’s inauguration as our first African-American governor, a shameful event took place, orchestrated by the outgoing Governor Romney, as he positioned himself for his presidential run. After numerous delays, chiding from the Supreme Judicial Court, and extreme pressure from our outgoing governor, our legislators finally voted on the anti-gay marriage amendment to the Massachusetts Constitution, an amendment that would “protect” the sanctity of marriage by forbidding 10% of the population from taking part. Though more than two-thirds of legislators voted against advancing the amendment to the ballot, a sizable minority voted to move it along, including Paul Donato, our local representative.

Unlike other states, same-sex couples in Massachusetts currently have the right to marry, and more than 8,500 couples have already tied the knot in state-sanctioned ceremonies. Unlike in other states, we have come to see that these committed couples are strengthening family ties, rather than weakening them. Has one “traditional” (straight) couple been truly threatened because some gay men and lesbians wed their partners? Has the social order truly been disturbed?

As some commentators have suggested, the biggest threat to “straight” marriage comes from divorce, since almost half of these couples eventually split up. Perhaps the Catholic Church and other foes of gay marriage should be focusing on that issue.

Divorce will never be outlawed; too many citizens have taken advantage of that civil right. It’s much easier to target a small, traditionally marginalized group—gays and lesbians—and foment fear of the “other.” It’s also a good way for politicians to score political points, especially among conservative and older voters.

And so, while Governor Patrick speaks of inclusion and his vision of Massachusetts as a great “city on a hill,” many of us live with the threat of exclusion, of a loss of our rights. While he reminds us of our great constitution, which has long been a symbol of freedom, 62 of our legislators decided to open the door to discrimination, by advancing the anti-gay amendment. If the amendment can garner just 50 votes next year (out of 200), it will appear on the November 2008 ballot, and my neighbors—the popular majority—can decide whether folks like me can maintain our right to marry, or whether we will lose that right, and be consigned to separate and unequal relationships in the eyes of the state.

Last summer, I spoke with Representative Donato about the amendment. At the time, Mr. Donato stated that he was undecided on the issue, but that he didn’t like the idea of “putting discrimination in the constitution.” And yet that’s just what he and others like him have done—made it more likely that, for the first time, our constitution, one of the first to outlaw slavery and provide civil rights to African-Americans, will be used to diminish the rights of another minority group.

The representatives who voted in favor of advancing the amendment have little to lose. After all, they’ll argue, they’re just allowing “the people” to weigh in on this issue. But the people, as we all know, need time in order to discover acceptance and tolerance. Imagine if civil rights legislation in states like Alabama or Mississippi had been subject to a popular vote in the 1960’s. Imagine if “the people,” (white people, who formed the majority), had been able to subvert the will of the courts. Finally, imagine if the rights of other groups were put to a popular vote today. Perhaps Muslims, Jehovah’s Witnesses, or the disabled should be allowed to vote, or marry, or own property. Perhaps not. Maybe their neighbors should decide.

We have representative democracy in this country, not one person, one vote. Our elected representatives are called to use their wisdom to benefit us all, and to protect minorities from the “tyranny of the majority.”

Thanks to our ex-governor and our state representative, the majority has been “protected” from the “threat” of gay marriage. Governor Romney and Representative Donato, (and 61 others) have carried on their tradition of appealing to the lowest common denominator by building on ignorance and fear. Way to go, Mitt. Way to go, Paul. Let’s see how the history books judge your actions.

Back of the bus

So the Massachusetts legislators "did their duty" according to the directive of the Supreme Judicial Court, and 61 (out of 200) legislators voted to advance the proposed amendment to ban gay marriage. If opponents of gay marriage can hold 50 of those legislators next year, they can put the amendment on the ballot in November 2008, and my neighbors will have a chance to vote on whether gay men and lesbians should keep the right to marry. The only silver lining in this outcome is that 139 legislators voted against advancing the amendment; it's clearly the sense of the legislature that gay marriage is not a bad thing, and that gay people deserve to keep the right to marry.

Still, I worry that my neighbors may not agree.

Stepping into the void

I just spent three-plus days--mostly wonderful--at Easton Mountain, a spiritual retreat center for gay men in upstate New York, about 45 minutes north of Albany. (You can check them out at www.eastonmountain.org). Their annual new year's retreat brings together about 90 gay men to let go of the old year and welcome the new one. I've gone to Easton for the past 3 celebrations and find that I now have an answer to the rhetorical question, (which used to bother me)--'what am I doing for New Year's?'

The energy of the weekend was very positive and accepting, with less focus on having the perfect body, youth, etc than in most gay settings. In place of that was a sense of kindness and acceptance. After the past year and my medical issues--I was very conscious of struggling to hear on many occasions, since there was usually a lot of background noise--I took advantage of the weekend to have some fun, (play games like Scrabble), and collect a lot of hugs. In fact, I got more touch and affection, in a safe respectfull way, than I'd normally receive in six months or one year, all in the space of this long weekend.

And yet, I have a few regrets, too. The weekend offered a wide variety of workshops, including several that pushed the boundaries, (or would have pushed mine)--erotic touch, sexual mentoring--looking at gay men's roles and assumptions about sex-- and others. I erred on the side of caution and didn't take those workshops; after hearing about them from several friends, I feel I made a mistake and missed an opportunity to let go of shame and stretch myself.

Of course, it's easy to see clearly with 20/20 hindsight.