The Same, and Different
Now that George W Bush is (almost) history, I've spent the past few weeks in a daze. It's so hard for me to believe that I actually backed a winner, and that we, the American people, voted for the most qualified man, regardless of skin color--a man who had actually earned the right to compete at a national level, instead of someone who (a la Bush) arrived there as a scion of privilege and family connections.
Thinking about change, and what this country is capable of, is both humbling and exciting. Though sleep deprived, I was on a dreamy high for the rest of the week.
And then I came back to reality. My mother, who is 80 years old, is overwhelmed, watching over her very sick husband back in Cleveland. At times, I make myself ill worrying over her--how she doesn't take care of herself, tries to do too much, and doesn't listen to my heartfelt advice/pleas for her to slow down.
At times I feel powerless, unable to prevent the traffic accident, the inevitable collapse of my mother's body if she continues to go beyond her limits. Ironically, by fixating on my fears--of having to go back to Cleveland to 'pick up the pieces' of being saddled with her care, and of seeing her in a weakened condition--I do the same thing myself--not eating or sleeping well.
Recently I've been having difficulty sleeping for other reasons--noisy neighbors, and stress at work. I like to think of my 3 room apartment as a safe haven, but sometimes it isn't--the outside world intervenes and again, life doesn't go according to my plans.
This lesson, letting go and trusting that things will come together, seems to be the hardest--a life-long challenge. I seem to confront this lesson over and over. (I must be a slow learner). Meanwhile, I'm still trying to hold on, to not freak out when I get into a disagreement with a neighbor, or a co-worker, to not immediately fall into my fear-based 'fight or flight' response, as I did yesterday.
I am a slow-learner, but I'm also trying to accept life's ups and downs--and the fact that ultimately, life will not go according to my plans.
Thinking about change, and what this country is capable of, is both humbling and exciting. Though sleep deprived, I was on a dreamy high for the rest of the week.
And then I came back to reality. My mother, who is 80 years old, is overwhelmed, watching over her very sick husband back in Cleveland. At times, I make myself ill worrying over her--how she doesn't take care of herself, tries to do too much, and doesn't listen to my heartfelt advice/pleas for her to slow down.
At times I feel powerless, unable to prevent the traffic accident, the inevitable collapse of my mother's body if she continues to go beyond her limits. Ironically, by fixating on my fears--of having to go back to Cleveland to 'pick up the pieces' of being saddled with her care, and of seeing her in a weakened condition--I do the same thing myself--not eating or sleeping well.
Recently I've been having difficulty sleeping for other reasons--noisy neighbors, and stress at work. I like to think of my 3 room apartment as a safe haven, but sometimes it isn't--the outside world intervenes and again, life doesn't go according to my plans.
This lesson, letting go and trusting that things will come together, seems to be the hardest--a life-long challenge. I seem to confront this lesson over and over. (I must be a slow learner). Meanwhile, I'm still trying to hold on, to not freak out when I get into a disagreement with a neighbor, or a co-worker, to not immediately fall into my fear-based 'fight or flight' response, as I did yesterday.
I am a slow-learner, but I'm also trying to accept life's ups and downs--and the fact that ultimately, life will not go according to my plans.
posted by Judah1 at 11:07 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home